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[24 Nov 2006|10:26am]
i had a fantastic talk w/ sponge last nite, as usual. love love. and i figured a few things out that i find pretty weird
the first being that no matter what happens in the interim, i'll end up with dexter. yea, im realizing thats just a fact that i know to be true. i dunno how ok i am with that :P
the big one being that my life is the way i drive. when i go out, i dont think about how to get somewhere turn by turn. i think of where I want to be going and the main road that i need to get me there and then i kind of autopilot to where i'm going. i even do it when im driving aimlessly... there's somewhere that im going but im not entirely conscious of how im gonna get there. thats what im doing w/ school. im getting my psych degree to do god knows what. i know what i want in my life (family, suburbs, whole thing) but as for what career is gonna get me there? im just hoping its gonna fall in my lap or ill just end up where i wanna go.

as usual im flying blind.
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[04 Jul 2005|09:41am]
quickly, i have to post the soundtrack to the week. most of the lyrics and music were composed by lauren goldfarb and brittney driggs, with additional vocals coming from me, sara christie and rachel christie.

We're Not Gonna Make It

We're not gonna make it
we're not gonna make it
we're not gonna make it to the bus...

We're not Gonna Make it (reprise)
I'm not gonna make it
I'm not gonna make it
I think I'm gonna pee my pants

What Would You Do?

If you're mom is a lesbian
And you dad's a whore
What would you do?

If your mom like the couch
And your dad is a hooch
What would you do?

Penis Song
(shout) Your Penis!
Too big to fit in here (cover mouth)
Too big to fit in here (cover ass)
Too big to fit in here (cover crotch)
Uh uh uh

so thats just a lil bit of what we did this week lol but i had to post it. i missed you guys but it really was fun!
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God am i glad this is all over [13 Jun 2005|09:40pm]
[ mood | crappy ]

everyone has been posting these sentimental notes to their friends about the last day of school and congrats to all of us. while i completely agree w/ the major kudos to us for surviving the last thirteen years of schooling (which has come full circle to doing puzzles and coloring in school all day), i simply cant get emotional about all of this. why cant i think of this as the end? why cant i get upset that im basically losing all of my friends? maybe because i just dont see it that way...
i finally finished high school. im done. all i have to do is stay alive until tuesday to be completely free. and u know what? good riddance.
a lil recognition is nice sometimes...

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[05 Jun 2005|09:27pm]
so i need to say that regardless of the somewhat shitty turn of events, ive had an awesome weekend. the bonding has been great. i have the most random pics to chronicle our adventures which i will evetually post, but i dont feel like it now. and the wrist is broken, but it doesnt hurt. my coping mechanism: the cast isnt there. so ill tell the story once and use it to get out of finals but i dont want any of that pity shit cuz im feeling really lucky to only have this...
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[04 Jun 2005|10:07am]
wow... so senior prom has come and gone. it was even more amazing than i expected it to be. im on a good streak when it comes to dates, frank was awesome. and we danced for five hours and then came home and partied a bit. it was a great nite and ill write about it later...
going to the lake for the weekend in an hour or two.
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[28 May 2005|09:54am]
[ mood | pissed off ]

im really pissed off at my parents. they're ridiculous. they always have all these stupid rules, like how they stay up until i get home (which means i cant stay out late when my dad wants to haul his own ass out of bed and go into work at four am, which btw he does just cuz he wants to, not required or even requested, he's the fucking COO, no one tells him to do anything) and they are having fucking panic attacks over leaving me home for ONE NIGHT. IM 18, i'm afraid they missed that memo. im going to be gone in less than three months, and i really wish they'd stop treating me like such a child and accept that fact that i CAN take care of myself.
yea, and so they just left like ten minutes ago, and my mom calls my cell (i dont hear it) and freaks out b/c i dont answer. they TURN AROUND AND COME BACK TO YELL AT ME ABOUT BEING RESPONSIBLE AND ANSWERING THE PHONE wtf? i just dont get it. she couldnt just leave a message i would get in five minutes when i looked down at my phone. what if i had gotten into the shower? they'd probably assume im dead. oh and, knowing my parents, within the next thirty minutes they'll call w/ some pointless question or request, like is nessa inside? or can u pick up more polish remover? just to see if i answer the phone. and if i dont, well im just fucked now arent i?
seeing as this will probably be my last time home alone in this house, (because im irresponsible and dont answer the phone) i should really just throw a huge party and get trashed. its what they expect, so why not just do it? i cant seem to prove that i AM responsible or that i CAN handle staying home (not even for a weekend mind u, its one night) or that I AM FUCKING EIGHTEEN YEARS OLD, so why try? might as well act like the child they think me to be, right?
im gonna go drive so that if they come back i wont be here...

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[22 May 2005|06:26pm]
and it does! yay!
Current Mood: excited
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[22 May 2005|06:19pm]
i just need to see if this works...

Current Mood: anxious
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[16 May 2005|04:47pm]
[ mood | accomplished ]

yea so ive read sooooooooo many good books lately. The best/most recents ones being Book of Joe by well... i cant find the book so i dont remember his name, but yea the book's great. there are soooo many lil one liners that actually made me laugh out loud. Then, i just finished this book Second Glance (or maybe chance) by Jodi Picoult (sp?) i could just check all this but the books downstairs. if u want to borrow either, just let me know, except the second glance book im going to force lauren to read cuz she'd love it and i owe her like 3018402750230349 good book recommendations for all the great ones she's given me.
i cant decide, should i make a list w/ all the books ive read (ive always meant to do this) or should i go steal my moms book for book group that looks delicious? hmmm... crap i hear my name being called, guess that settles it

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If you need me, this is where I am... [16 May 2005|04:32pm]
2 AM and she calls me 'cause I'm still awake,
can you help me unravel my latest mistake,
I don't love him, winter just wasn't my season
Yeah we walk through the doors, so accusing their eyes
Like they have any right at all to criticize,
hypocrites, you're all here for the very same reason

'Cause you can't jump the track,we're like cars on a cable
and life's like an hourglass, glued to the table
No one can find the rewind button girl,
So cradle your head in your hands
And breathe, just breathe,
Woah breathe, just breathe

May he turn 21 on the base at Fort Bliss
Just a day, he sat down to the flask in his fist,
Ain't been sober, since maybe October of last year.
Here in town you can tell he's been down for a while,
But my God it's so beautiful when the boy smiles,
Wanna hold him, maybe I'll just sing about it.

Cause you can't jump the track, we're like cars on a cable,
And life's like an hourglass, glued to the table.
No one can find the rewind button boys,
So cradle your head in your hands,
And breathe, just breathe,
Woah breathe, just breathe

There's a light at each end of this tunnel, you shout
'Cause you're just as far in as you'll ever be out
These mistakes you've made, you'll just make them again
If you only try turning around.

2 AM and I'm still awake, writing a song
If I get it all down on paper, its no longer
inside of me, threatening the life it belongs to
And I feel like I'm naked in front of the crowd
Cause these words are my diary, screaming out loud
And I know that you'll use them, however you want to

Cause you can't jump the track, we're like cars on a cable,
And life's like an hourglass, glued to the table
No one can find the rewind button now
Sing it if you understand.
and breathe, just breathe
woah breathe, just breathe,
oh breathe, just breathe.
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[11 May 2005|05:45pm]
[ mood | indescribable ]

you are looking (metaphorically speaking) at the newest member of
GEORGE WASHINGTON UNIVERSITY CLASS OF 2009!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
um... yea ... grab a dictionary and look up happy, they just added my name to the definition. then look up ecstatic and you should see my picture

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A Quote from my current read... [03 May 2005|05:22pm]
[ mood | amused ]

"Kids starting in with sex are like Columbus landing on the shores of the new world; even tho there are millions of natives running around in full view, they still think they invented the damn thing"

amused me to no end

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Dont read. just dont. and i dont feel like locking it [26 Apr 2005|09:32pm]
[ mood | contemplative ]

so i leave for mexico in ten hours... it hasnt hit me yet. i feel like i have some huge unfinished business, like how i couldnt anticipate jr prom cuz i had to get thru the AP test first. but now i should have everything done, i have been coolly rational in all of my decisions. its the weirdest feeling, like im in a fog or daze but im thinking more clearly than i ever have, just taking things as they come. however, this is all the short game... long term i cant begin to contemplate.
so many weird things have been happening... the letter from richmond being the most significant. i feel like im hypnotized. i know what i had in mind for how things in my life should be going, and these are BIG things (college, my spring break, my summer) and yet thats obviously not whats happening.
here's where i start to sound crazy. i have never had a prayer go unanswered. ever, well, with the exception of when i used to wish for a pony or for my grandpa to come back. but even when i was wishing and hoping and praying for them, i knew better. but yea, the strange thing is, even if i ask for a sign, i get it. when hi-mom was waiting to find out if her SEVEN polyps were cancerous, i prayed for her health and for a sign. when i said 'sign' i wasnt specific, but in my mind i thought rain. rain has some special meaning for me. the next day it rained on my way to school, but the day was forecasted to be beautiful and it cleared up quicker than it came. stuff like that happens all the time.
so during the whole college app thing, i knew i was in over my head when it came to making this decision. i never prayed to get into Brown or GW or anywhere specifically. perhaps that was my mistake. in my conversation with God, i expressed my desire for either but said that im blind and know it. make the right choice clear... painfully clear. my gut has been saying since the letters started coming, since i went back to the campus again, etc, that GW is it, its painfully clear. however, this news from richmond coming at such a strange moment in my life, and so much earlier than i was supposed to hear from them. i havent mentioned this to mom, but part of what weirds me out the most is that it came as though straight from God saying, think it over. i know that mexico will be a time of great retrospection, not to mention introspection. its like someone slipped a note into my suitcase for me to read once i left, so itd be fresh in my mind while i was gone. the letter from Richmond didnt even have postage on it (over nited?)
the idea crosses my mind now that maybe Richmond is the right choice for me. the whole big fish analyogy ive been hearing about since i was 8. Richmond is a community... a community just my size, a size i can handle, that i can make waves in. a community i can really make the most of and stand out in. oddly enough richmond is ohio weslyan to my dads upenn... maybe it is the better choice. GW, as much as i love, is DC, not a college. i think im ready to jump into the city scene, esp washington, but maybe it'd take me farther to actually build upon a completely different experience.
i think of someone shouting on a corner in NYC, what kind of effect it would have on passersby; compare that to the same situation relocated, say to Wyckoff. the message goes much farther. is that what im dealing with? perhaps. ive just never looked at it that way. stupid fish.
to add to my insanity, im falling for a person who doesnt exist. i hate when they script the perfect guy- better than the perfect guy: MY perfect guy. i gotta find out who he's based on, must be someone, and marry him.
i should prob sleep im exhausted and now im just taking up space. i had so much more to say. so much is swirling in my head, but im sure ive scared enough ppl for one night. i love that i really dont care. its taken me how long to genuinely not care at all what ppl think of me? they played a shania twain song ive never heard b4 while i was getting my nails done w/ my mom and it said something, i have no idea what, but it got me thinking about how much better it is to just give thing ur all b/c what the worst that could happen? i used to think i didnt have the passion to possibly put it all into everything. but (ask my ex's ;) who was i kidding? why not? it'll pay exponentially if it goes well and if it doesnt then oh well, i move on. maybe cry a lil but learn from it and move on. when i think about it i compare my two months w/ brad where i didnt hold back to all of my other relationships and those two months were just euphoric in comparison. so from now on, no holding back. ive got nothing to lose.
also, its time to try more. try everything. im so sick of trying not to fail. thats the ONLY thing im going to stop. i want to try my best to succeed, not try my best not to fail. theres SUCH an important difference between the two that i tend to forget. i have to keep that straight.
i know this is just rambling, but hell, im allowed to. you chose to read. your own fault. maybe this fog thing isnt so bad. and maybe im ready to go to mexico now. just maybe.
its funny how life works.
ill never understand it, and i thank God for yet another day of befuzzlement.

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[26 Apr 2005|12:15pm]
[ mood | ecstatic ]

so incredibly brief update on break thus far
friday nite: city w/ the girls, in a limo w/ daquiris and cptn morgan :D good times
saturday: i house sat for my neighbors w/ the kids in it (a sophomore and 8th grader) free dinner and movie, worked on psych cards... relaxing nite esp cuz kels passed out @ like 9
sunday: grandpa came over for dinner... chilled all day
monday: shopping w/ mom for mexico stuff... the lighter fiasco began and ended (hopefully) grandpa came over for dinner and for the first time I was the one who made dinner for all of us (its a lot of pressure cooking for him...he's become like a gourmet chef since retirement) and worked on psych
tuesday: sunbathed w/ mom, found out
I am worth $1,817,410.00 on HumanForSale.com
and most importantly
I GOT INTO RICHMOND! i finally actually have a college... sucks that i just sent my deposit to drew yesterday, but oh well. IM GOING TO COLLEGE!
(still gonna wait for GW, but for now, im University of Richmond Class of 2009!!!!)

mexico begins 2morrow... psyched and scared but itll be a blast im sure.
this is one hell of a week!!!!!

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[13 Apr 2005|04:34pm]
[ mood | crazy ]

sometimes i feel like im very close to the line between sanity and insanity. i wonder if that is normal. like, if i let myself i could get paranoid... its a sensation that is understandable, if u think about it. or mulitiple personalities, if it werent so politically incorrect i would totally do that for fun. another example, OCD... everyone is a lil OCD. my lil fear thing is another... its def a full blown phobia, but i mean, its not like i can help it.
insanity is just not having control over ones mind. thats my definition of it. thats why if u try to control ur mind too much or analyze it too much, u can drive urself insane, cuz i cant control it completely. but minds work the best when they are the freest(word?) the greatest minds in history have been partially, if not completely insane. its a pretty nice club to be a part of; i wouldnt mind. lol...
its spring.

Sanity is so overrated anyway.

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[11 Apr 2005|08:33pm]
time is of the essence, so i must be brief
new phone- ::yay::
antigone- ::bleh::
wait listedness- ::gag::
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[02 Apr 2005|02:45pm]
[ mood | chipper ]

last nite went muuuuuuch better than expected. sponge and i missed the 7:15 in hawthorne of Sin City, so we chilled for an hour then headed to paramus. very good choice. and in the mean time we got to hang out like we havent for well, six months, but things were normal.
"Is this weird?" "Does is feel weird?" "No, but it should." "It doesnt"


oh yea and Sin City rocked... must see it again. we had fun analyzing the tidbits. can someone explain the significance of josh hartnett?

so anyway, friday went well, so the weekend cant possibly be a bust :D

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[01 Apr 2005|03:53pm]
[ mood | disappointed ]

Im afraid this birthday is going to suck. i havent really planned anything for it. the only thing was what my mom set up for going into the city for 2nite w/ em and sara but since i was sick that was cancelled.
then, since i was feeling better this afternoon, i was looking forward to the chance to go see Sin City, which im dying to see, w/ spo joey and pj... but yea i think my parents are vetoing that too.
2morrow will prob be a bust. i dont even know what ppl are doing 2morrow nite cuz i havent been in school or in contact w/ anyone all week. ill prob end up at home sleeping. sunday is my actual birthday, but since its a sunday it means the family party. plus its three of our birthdays combined (victoria, lil bits and me) and then the game. normally the game alone would make my whole weekend perk up, however, rumor has it that they will be giving the red sox their rings at MY FUCKING STADIUM (cough, sorry) so im not so sure it has the power to give my birthday weekend the turn around that it will need.

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[31 Mar 2005|08:48pm]
dying... in case anyone wondered where i've been.
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[27 Mar 2005|12:24am]
im in a funk.
im either feeling so much its overwhelming me or im feeling so little its confusing me.
well, Happy Easter!
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