so i leave for mexico in ten hours... it hasnt hit me yet. i feel like i have some huge unfinished business, like how i couldnt anticipate jr prom cuz i had to get thru the AP test first. but now i should have everything done, i have been coolly rational in all of my decisions. its the weirdest feeling, like im in a fog or daze but im thinking more clearly than i ever have, just taking things as they come. however, this is all the short game... long term i cant begin to contemplate.
so many weird things have been happening... the letter from richmond being the most significant. i feel like im hypnotized. i know what i had in mind for how things in my life should be going, and these are BIG things (college, my spring break, my summer) and yet thats obviously not whats happening.
here's where i start to sound crazy. i have never had a prayer go unanswered. ever, well, with the exception of when i used to wish for a pony or for my grandpa to come back. but even when i was wishing and hoping and praying for them, i knew better. but yea, the strange thing is, even if i ask for a sign, i get it. when hi-mom was waiting to find out if her SEVEN polyps were cancerous, i prayed for her health and for a sign. when i said 'sign' i wasnt specific, but in my mind i thought rain. rain has some special meaning for me. the next day it rained on my way to school, but the day was forecasted to be beautiful and it cleared up quicker than it came. stuff like that happens all the time.
so during the whole college app thing, i knew i was in over my head when it came to making this decision. i never prayed to get into Brown or GW or anywhere specifically. perhaps that was my mistake. in my conversation with God, i expressed my desire for either but said that im blind and know it. make the right choice clear... painfully clear. my gut has been saying since the letters started coming, since i went back to the campus again, etc, that GW is it, its painfully clear. however, this news from richmond coming at such a strange moment in my life, and so much earlier than i was supposed to hear from them. i havent mentioned this to mom, but part of what weirds me out the most is that it came as though straight from God saying, think it over. i know that mexico will be a time of great retrospection, not to mention introspection. its like someone slipped a note into my suitcase for me to read once i left, so itd be fresh in my mind while i was gone. the letter from Richmond didnt even have postage on it (over nited?)
the idea crosses my mind now that maybe Richmond is the right choice for me. the whole big fish analyogy ive been hearing about since i was 8. Richmond is a community... a community just my size, a size i can handle, that i can make waves in. a community i can really make the most of and stand out in. oddly enough richmond is ohio weslyan to my dads upenn... maybe it is the better choice. GW, as much as i love, is DC, not a college. i think im ready to jump into the city scene, esp washington, but maybe it'd take me farther to actually build upon a completely different experience.
i think of someone shouting on a corner in NYC, what kind of effect it would have on passersby; compare that to the same situation relocated, say to Wyckoff. the message goes much farther. is that what im dealing with? perhaps. ive just never looked at it that way. stupid fish.
to add to my insanity, im falling for a person who doesnt exist. i hate when they script the perfect guy- better than the perfect guy: MY perfect guy. i gotta find out who he's based on, must be someone, and marry him.
i should prob sleep im exhausted and now im just taking up space. i had so much more to say. so much is swirling in my head, but im sure ive scared enough ppl for one night. i love that i really dont care. its taken me how long to genuinely not care at all what ppl think of me? they played a shania twain song ive never heard b4 while i was getting my nails done w/ my mom and it said something, i have no idea what, but it got me thinking about how much better it is to just give thing ur all b/c what the worst that could happen? i used to think i didnt have the passion to possibly put it all into everything. but (ask my ex's ;) who was i kidding? why not? it'll pay exponentially if it goes well and if it doesnt then oh well, i move on. maybe cry a lil but learn from it and move on. when i think about it i compare my two months w/ brad where i didnt hold back to all of my other relationships and those two months were just euphoric in comparison. so from now on, no holding back. ive got nothing to lose.
also, its time to try more. try everything. im so sick of trying not to fail. thats the ONLY thing im going to stop. i want to try my best to succeed, not try my best not to fail. theres SUCH an important difference between the two that i tend to forget. i have to keep that straight.
i know this is just rambling, but hell, im allowed to. you chose to read. your own fault. maybe this fog thing isnt so bad. and maybe im ready to go to mexico now. just maybe.
its funny how life works.
ill never understand it, and i thank God for yet another day of befuzzlement.